This season at the Great American Ball Orchard a multitude of Fan Code violations have flagrantly been on display in my presence. As a public service announcement, Heavy Artillery takes this opportunity to remind you of but a few of the Fan Codes which should be observed by all conscientious ballpark patrons.
Fan Code 0009.15, Sitting in Ticketed Seat(s) Prior to Game Time: Do not be presumptuous and assume that because you arrived in your ticketed seating section one hour (or more) before game time that the patrons who have the seats in which you decided to randomly occupy will fail to show up. Example; I got to the Wednesday June 10 Business Day Special an hour before game time and, after stopping at a concession stand for a Big Red Smokey, I proceeded to my reserved seat only to find in my section a group of four people attending the game together... a total of four fans in the entire section, mind you... two of which were in my seats. Hey folks, you have tickets. They have reserved seat information printed on them. Sit in your assigned seats, especially when it's so early that - unbeknownst to you - your entire section might yet arrive!
Fan Code 0083.22, Tipping the Usher: If you employ the Sherpa and/or sanitary services of an usher, give them a monetary token of your appreciation. Example; A young father of two (that were present) and his arm candy arrived in my section in the 2nd inning of a recent game. The father figure in this quartet was led to his seats by an elderly usher who gave two interlopers the bum's rush before using a towel to clean off said seats. While his mistress and children were saddled with cotton candy, drinks and souvenirs, the "man" of the family stood by with a beer in one hand and nothing in the other. When the usher concluded his services, the bread winner only said
Fan Code 1178.01, The Placing of Feet, Legs or other Unspecified Lower Extremities on the Seat(s) in Front of You Prior to the 4th Inning: Wait until the 4th inning before placing your dirty shoes or sweaty, filthy feet on the seatback, seat or armrests of the seat in front of you. Fans sometimes run late to the ballgame. They had to pick up their kids from baseball practice. Traffic was snarled. Lines were long at the concession stand. If the fans in question vote Republican, they have jobs. Give your fellow patron a few innings to materialize before you put your filthy shoes or Athlete's Foot toenail fungi stinky smelly feet on my seat! I've been to the ballpark 9 times so far this season - I get there early, 30 minutes to one hour early - and 6 times this situation has inflicted itself upon me.
Fan Code 7422.70, Moving About a Congested Concourse: Do not make sudden, random stops when navigating a crowded concourse. Who exactly are these single-brain cell humanoids who find themselves walking in a jam-packed concourse with 500 or 5000 fans directly ahead and beside them and think they can suddenly stop walking, oblivious to the 500/5000 people walking directly behind them? Hello?!
Roll the credits!
