National Museum of the USAF; Firepower and Feedback

On Saturday January 27th, the Cincinnati Reds made a 2018 Winter Caravan stop at the National Museum of the United States Air Force.  Since the Reds long ago abandoned Oxford as a Winter Caravan stop, me and Lou have had to suffice ourselves with the Hamilton stop for the past decade or thereabouts.  Bored with that locale, this year we opted to make a road trip to Wright-Patterson AFB, located outside Dayton, Ohio, for the Caravan stop.  

OK, who are we kidding?  Mostly we wanted to tour the USAF museum.

I know that the last time I visited was on a Reily Elementary school field trip, probably in 5th grade.  I don't recall much from that visit, circa 1983.

The museum doors open at 9am.  Free parking!  Free admission!  Free wi-fi!  

Why don't I go every weekend?!

We arrived at 10am for what the Reds advertised as an 11am start time.  In the visitor center, Lou grabbed a map of the museum and discovered that the Reds Winter Caravan was set up in Hanger 2 (of 4) at the museum. Lou looked but did not find on the map Hanger 18.  

We took our seats in eager anticipation of an entertaining and informative appearance by the Reds General Manager Dick Williams, broadcasters Jeff "the Cowboy" Brantley and Jim Day Domicile, Reds pitcher Amir Garrett, a Reds prospect named Tyler Stephenson (who?) and former Red Todd Benzinger (yawn).  

At 11am, we were still waiting.

At 11:15am, we were still waiting. 

At 11:20am they materialized.

Immediately, from the first word, the microphone for emcee Jim Day Domicile (standing, in the photo above) malfunctioned.  The sound of his voice was barely audible over the feedback, screeching, buzzing, crackling.  Each member of the Caravan was given his own mic.  The microphones all performed similarly.  And progressively worse.  At one point we sighted 4 people hovering over the soundboard frantically trying to remedy the audio.  The audio only worsened.  20 minutes after beginning with a Q-and-A of submitted written questions of suspect origin, the Reds pulled the plug on their presentation.

I went to the U.S. Air Force Museum and a train wreck broke out!

Faulty microphones laid aside, the Reds personnel proceeded with the standard autograph session.  As we weren't particularly interested in obtaining autographs from Jim Day or Todd Benzinger, et al. [we've got Amir Garrett], and certainly not open to waiting 30 or 45 minutes to obtain said signatures, we bolted for the canteen for a lunch of burgers and fries.

Refueled, we ventured back into the hangers to check out all the cool aircraft.  Lou most wanted to see the space program exhibits, my youngest niece was interested in seeing Air Force One and I most wanted to check out the Cold War era warplanes.  The exhibits in the four hangers are organized, essentially, chronologically.  As such, we headed for Hanger #4 (Presidential aircraft and space program) and worked our way backwards through the eras.  In the 4 hours we had available to tour, we only made it through Hangers #4 and #3, plus the missile silo.

A return trip this summer is in the planning stages.

We first checked out the experimental USAF aircraft;

There wasn't an exhibit for the Jeep Main Battle Tank.  Why would there be?  However, suspended overhead was the Jeep Jet;

It weighed less than 300 .lbs and could be assembled in the field by 2 men in 20 minutes.

Don't believe the conspiracy theorists who will tell you the USAF is hiding alien spacecraft.  They have it on the exhibit floor!

The star exhibit among the presidential aircraft is, of course, Air Force One.  This is the iconic AF1 that was employed by JFK, William Jefferson Clinton and every Chief Executive in-between.  In what was perhaps the most famous and certainly the most somber event to have transpired on this AF1, LBJ took his oath of office aboard this jet with Jackie Kennedy standing next to him, the blood of JFK splattered upon her dress.

Visitors to the museum are welcome to walk through Air Force One as well as the presidential aircraft that pre-dated AF1; Shangri-La (FDR; not photographed), The Independence (Harry S Truman);

And also Columbine (Dwight D Eisenhower):

I think the coolest of the experimental USAF aircraft on display is the massive, Concorde-like XB-70; 

From the rear, its six engines (pictured, below) have an appearance of the Star Wars Star Destroyer spacecraft;

Sandwiched between Hangers 4 and 3 is the Missile Silo;

Mock-up (above) of a missile launch control room. 

Random dude (not me; above) for scale.

The largest missile on display is the Titan II ICBM (below).  Random dude (me) for scale;

Shall we play a game?

As you maneuver about the museum -- looking here and there, up and away -- be careful that you don't bump into one of the many thermonuclear bombs that litter the exhibit floor!

Boom!

In the selfie (above) of a dummy [bomb!  A dummy bomb you bullies!], I think I captured an image evocative of the films Dr Strangelove or Fail Safe.  The eyes obscured, the dark and shadowy foreground contrasted with the large military aircraft brightly lit in the background.... a little eerie!

Everything we saw on exhibit is cool and merits far more attention than I can dedicate space to here.  Some aircraft, though, are more awe-inspiring than others.  To wit;

SR-71 Blackbird.....

B-2 Stealth Bomber.....

F-16 Thunderbird.....

F-117A Stealth Fighter.....

F-22.....

Two Soviet MiG's are on exhibit;

And an RAF Tornado;

Presidential aircraft are awesome in their own right, the missiles and bombs are frightfully awesome, the fighter jets are rock star cool, but I'm most interested in "the big birds."  Specifically, the bombers.  It's a Heavy Artillery thing.  Such as the iconic B-52;

Among all the aircraft we saw on exhibit in Hangers 4 & 3, that which had me most agog was the too-big-for-photography B-36J Peacemaker;

Sporting 10 engines (6 rear-facing propellers, 4 jets), this was the 800-pound gorilla in the USAF Strategic Air Command;  Quoting from Wikipedia:

The B-36 is the largest mass-produced piston-engine aircraft ever built. It had the longest wingspan of any combat aircraft ever built, at 230 ft. The B-36 was the first bomber capable of delivering any of the nuclear weapons in the U.S. arsenal from inside its four bomb bays without aircraft modifications. With a range of 10,000 mi and a maximum payload of 87,200 lb., the B-36 was capable of intercontinental flight without refuelling.

There remains so much more to see at the USAF Museum.  I'm looking forward with great anticipation at making a return trip this summer.

Roll the credits! 

Road Trip to the Fiat Clinic

Late last year the 15-year old TDS MINI Cooper Mobile Tactical Unit, with north of 378,000 miles on the odometer, was diagnosed with a loss of compression in one of its four cylinders.  You would have first read about this sad development here.  While the MINI continues to willing charge down the open highway ("up the open highway" as in uphill is another matter altogether) with a determined purpose it has been removed from active duty service.  It currently fulfills primarily a promotional purpose.  A decision regarding the ultimate disposition of the MINI Cooper remains TBD.

Later that same week, Lou's 1979 model year Fiat Spider 2000 was diagnosed with a loss of compression in two of its four cylinders.

That was a bad week for Scuderia B Team.

When the Spider rolled out of the Fiat workshop in Turin, Italy way back in 1979 it originally packed 80 horsepower under its Pininfarina-designed sculpted hood.  With 40 years of wear, and now the loss of compression in half its cylinders, one might speculate that more or less than half of those horse have escaped from the stable.

The local shop which creditably services Lou's fleet of modern vehicles expressed to him some degree of their improbability to solve the Fiat's engine issue, to say nothing about the myriad electrical gremlins that require attention.  This set Lou on a quest to discover a garage which specializes in vintage Fiats. 

In the meantime, on Christmas Day we took the Fiat out for a vigorous drive in sunny, brisk conditions.

When the Fiat underwent its resurrection in 2009, through the magic of the interwebz Lou found a garage that specializes in vintage Fiats..... in Canada.  Lou contacted the shop owner and over the course of a few conversations just about committed himself to the madcap idea of transporting the Fiat to the Great White North.  The potential for this plan to be realized was such that I was dispatched to obtain for myself a passport for international travel.  The obvious hitch, from Lou's geographic perspective, is that the garage is located in Ontario, Canada.  Shortly thereafter Lou found a vintage car restoration skunkworks hidden deep within a nondescript industrial park locally, in a Cincinnati suburb, that took on the Fiat resurrection.

Sometime thereafter again Lou obtained a new set of wheels for the Fiat, replacing the Spider's original wheels, from a vintage Fiat garage located conveniently enough (relative to Canada) in the state capitol.

For the Fiat's 2018 engine work, Lou contacted those same good folks at Midwest Bayless in Columbus and they were all-too happy to oblige.... but not immediately.  Their garage was jammed up with old Fiats of every variety and would need a few weeks to clear the backlog before they could accept Lou's Spider.

On the 9th of January we set out for Columbus, Lou in the cockpit of the Spider with me commanding the Jeep Main Battle Tank as chase car.  Both of us carried fire extinguishers.  You know, just in case, for a car burning oil like a bombed-out Iraqi refinery and with a history of leaking fuel.

Eastbound on I-275.....

Descending on the ramp to I-71 North aka heading into the Carousel at the Nurburgring, looking every part the Green Barchetta at the Green Hell.....

Northbound on 71.....

Overtaking big rigs.....

I may or may not have clearance to announce that the Spider touched 80 mph (cranking at 4,000 RPM), pending approval from the legal department.  Thanks largely to superior Italian build quality and microscopic body weight, even at +/- 50% thrust the Fiat can hustle.

It was at about this point (above) that the front end of the Jeep was sprayed with a thin mist of an oily substance which the windshield wipers and sprayers were unable to clean.  I was certain that the Fiat was on the verge of a catastrophic loss of oil pressure but the little green convertible soldiered onward into downtown Columbus.....

And finally to our destination at Midwest Bayless, yet another skunkworks in a nondescript building at the terminus of a dead end urban street..... 

.....adorned with a cool vintage sign from a Fiat dealership.

The Spider created its own superfund site upon arrival, disgorging twin steams of fuel and oil onto the icy parking lot.

Outside the garage is a graveyard of Fiats:

We spent nearly 30 minutes speaking with the chief mechanic.  We were greatly encouraged to learn that he too owns as his personal car a 1979 Fiat Spider 2000.  We came to the right place!  He lifted the hood on the Spider and gave us a highly detailed, thorough rundown of what Lou has and what options he's looking at for engine work.  Good news for us, Lou has a 49-state engine, one which did not have to adhere to the then- (and now-) ridiculous California state smog control standards of the era. 

Inside we were given a brief tour of the facility, including some of the other Fiats currently undergoing repairs.  The garage is more or less a speed shop for both the customers and mechanics working there.  Based upon our observations, it would appear that they are specializing in hot rodding Bertone-designed Fiat X1/9s with Acura RSX engines and transmissions.  200+ horse power engines in flyweight 40-year old Fiats must make for hellaciously quick cars!   

I wasn't so bold as to take any photographs from inside Midwest Bayless before Lou officially became a customer.  I'll try to sneak a few spy photos upon our return trip to pick up the Fiat sometime this spring.

Roll the credits!

Robots with Lightning Bolt Arms; RedsFest 2017

RedsFest 2017 was fun, again, but devolved into the oddest-known variant in existence.  

Parking on the 3rd level in a public garage immediately across the street from the Cincinnati Convention Center, host site of RedsFest, we discovered that the SkyWalk connecting garage to convention center was closed for renovation.  The elevator in the parking garage is notoriously slow, rickety, freezing cold, claustrophobic and has an appearance of being 1950's Soviet-grade stock.  

We opted for the stairs.  

On our way to the stairwell I observed a handwritten note taped to a wall directing patrons, with an accompanying arrow, to use an elevator in the neighboring hotel.  A handwritten note taped to a wall in a parking garage?  Yes, that looks legit!  Of course we followed the arrow.  Through a door, around a corner and in fewer than 20 paces we were riding in a warm and spacious elevator with a parquet floor, clean surfaces, a modern interface and rocking 1980's tunes.  Score!  

Disgorged from the hotel's lobby and onto the mean streets of downtown Cincinnati, we hurried along the sidewalk towards the convention center.  Alongside the crosswalk on 5th Street, painted on the roadway directly next to a manhole cover, was a mysterious bright yellow symbol:

A robot with lightning bolt arms, with one arm pointing at the sewer cover, could only mean one thing; I had discovered the secret lair where the robot army was staging for their coming take-over of Earth!  Consider yourself fore-warned.  Now, go about your business as usual.  For now.....

Stop me if you've heard this one before, but I went to RedsFest and a Cincinnati Ballet performance of the Nutcracker broke out!

It was very well received by the Reds faithful.

Unquestionably, the star of RedsFest this year was the 18-year old prospect Hunter Greene.  Hunter Greene was selected by the Cincinnati Reds with the 2nd overall pick in last year's June amateur draft.  Young Mr Greene surged to national prominence while in high school in California as a sort of Ruthian player; a very good pitcher and slugger.  While the Reds let him get several at-bats as a DH in his limited Rookie League action last summer, the Reds are having Hunter focus on pitching.  For now.....

Not pictured here was the Cincinnati Coliseum Who Stampede that suddenly materialized when Hunter Greene was announced for an autograph signing Saturday afternoon.  There I was with my youngest niece, one moment standing in a courteous line, and in the next instant an avalanche of sweaty, pushy, frothing-at-the-mouth humanity collapsed upon us from all directions including, I think, from the ceiling.  Barricades were knocked over.  Volunteer staff were trampled.  A chair was hastily thrown moved.   I was as physically crushed as I've ever been, and this from a guy who has survived three Who concerts and the Keg Fest dance floor at Club Romano in 1988.  Easily, the most ridiculous thing I've experienced at any RedsFest going back to the 1990's.

I suspect that the reaction was in part a result of the Reds having given season ticket members a big ol' FU by not making available to us Joey Votto for autographs.  

Pro tip for next year's RedsFest event planners; For autographs, make available to season ticket members the team's [only] star.

Prior to the doors opening, on Friday afternoon, we three had arranged the most ingenious, devious plot to scatter the big crowds, melt away any long lines which might have conspired to monkey wrench our objectives (read; obtain autographs).  And by we three, I mean to say it was fully my idea but that it was heartily agreed to by Lou and my niece.  To understand and appreciate my evil plan, you first must know that RedsFest occupies all three levels of the Convention Center.  On the second level is a room occupied each year by the Cincinnati Zoo wherein they have critter wranglers (or whatever they're called) wrangling live critters from the zoo.  My evil plan was to say to Lou and my niece, whenever we needed the crowd to disperse, "I heard Fiona is upstairs."  The fanaticism with Fiona is such that it was sure to vaporize the public in an instant.  Alas, my delivery of this secret phrase must have required more work as it failed to take the intended effect.

I'm happy to report that me and my niece both survived the RedsFest Saturday Afternoon Hunter Greene Stampede.  Here's my niece getting her Hunter Greene autograph:

Hunter was friendly and he personalized each and every autograph all weekend long. That bogged down the assembly line nature of autograph lines.  It was a nice gesture on his part, and appreciated by all most, but Hunter routinely ran long to the point of impacting the following player's allotted time.  

Lurking in the background of the above photo was the father of Hunter Greene, umm..... uhh.... Mr. Greene.  Wherever Hunter went that weekend, his father was sure to follow.  Mr Greene seemed nice and not at all intimidating.  For now.....

On Friday, Hunter Greene's extended mix of personalized autographs rolled over into the allotted time for last year's top draft pick, Nick Senzel:

It was thrilling to see the Reds two top prospects together at such an early stage in their respective professional careers.  I fired off a blizzard of photographs but, evidently, was too giddy to get a good photo with sharp focus.  This was about the best I could manage.

My niece most liked the photo below of Hunter Greene:

We call this "The Are You Kidding Me?!" photo.  Gramps must've asked for Hunter to personalize the autograph To Sinterklaas or something.

I didn't have any thanks-for-nothing-you-ingrateful-jerk experiences with any players at this RedsFest as I have had at past Reds-hosted events (I'm looking at you, Yorman Rodriguez [RedsFest 2015]).  Being just half-way decent goes a long way with the faithful.  The "Best Human of RedsFest 2017 Award" goes to Reds minor league outfielder Taylor Trammell.  Here he was taking the time to talk with and shake the hand of a fan afflicted with disabilities:

When Taylor takes Billy Hamilton's center field job for 2019, make young Mr Trammell one of your favorite players.

Taylor looked each fan in the eye, gave everyone a warm smile, and engaged in friendly conversation.

Here was Mr Heavy Artillery (above), in line for Taylor Trammell's autograph.  I was sitting on a bucket of baseballs, if you were wondering.  People who stand throughout RedsFest need to have their head's examined.  After suffering in recent years with the RedsFest grind, Lou got me this awesome Rawlings/MLB-branded bucket with a sweet protective outer cover complete with pockets and pouches.  We packed the bucket with donuts.  After lugging it around all day Friday and Saturday, my niece volunteered to carry it late in the afternoon on Saturday.  My family is very good to me!

Speaking of which, here is Lou and my youngest niece also in line for Taylor Trammell.

Roll the credits!

The Saturday Evening Post Edition of Heavy Artillery

November was a very Norman Rockwell-like period of holidays and quality family time for Mr Heavy Artillery.

For example, Oxville saw the grand opening of Tim Horton's in October and Mr B made his first-ever visit to a Timmy Ho's in mid-November: 

Portrait completed, we got down to some serious donut dunkin'! [Or is this the wrong establishment in which to do so?]:

Action photo!

Tim Horton's is proving to be very popular among the leading citizen's of Ox City!

Or maybe it's only me that's keeping the Canadian purveyor of donuts and coffee afloat in this small Midwestern college town.  Whatever the reality, it provides another flimsy justification to post another ubiquitous Canadian power trio video link!

The Fiat was released from its stable and began a series of (on-going) rehabilitations at the direction of Lou:

Plans are in the works for the Fiat to spend some time away from home on an extended stay in the care of a Fiat specialist.  Yes!  Fiat specialists really do exist!  Yes!  In these United States of America!  The Pininfarina-designed, Ferrari-equipped (instrument panel, gauges, switch gear, etc) is still a great looking vehicle.  Many of you reading this will have fond memories of sunny days and riotous evenings riding in the Fiat during those halcyon days of the George Herbert Walker Bush Administration yesteryear.  Just don't share those fond memories with Lou.

Speaking of Lou, here's a photo of him standing in front of one of our favorite donut shops (I sense a developing theme) taking a photo of me:

Don't ask why I was so much elevated above the parking lot.  A governmental department from an unnamed city might not take too kindly to my actions at that perilous moment.  'Nuff said.  The Donut Spot was originally opened by Reily T-Ball coaching legend Bob Pennington, head coach for my League Champion Cherokee Motors team back in 1977.

And speaking of Lou and his cars, Scuderia TDS received some sad news in November when our flagship 2002 MINI Cooper was diagnosed with a loss of compression in one its cylinders.  After 378,000 miles of faithful service (that averages out to just over 25,000 miles per year for 15 years), the MINI will now ease into a kind of semi-retirement serving only in a largely ceremonial - and promotional - capacity.  There is no car that I've driven for more years, and certainly not for more mileage, than the MINI.  Change can be difficult.  

Thanksgiving was held at Lou's palatial estate (with the Fiat parked out front; see above photos).  My eldest niece posed for her portrait by the fireplace:

Later in the evening, after dinner, I captured her (below) in a definitively Norman Rockwell moment:

Take that, Saturday Evening Post!

Mr B has a late-November birthday.  You know what that means.....

That's right!  A day at the races for The B Team Syndicate!

Mr B visited the day before to pick up a few copies the Daily Racing Form for us.

Mr B denoted my copy of the DRF with an "M" on the jockey's cap.  Subtle, yet imaginative.

This late in the race year, there is not a broad depth of quality horses still racing or big races to be found.  Most of the best race horses are taking some time off to rest up for the 2018 race season.  Mr B and Lou focused their attack on that day's race card at Aqueduct (Queens, New York) whereas I directed my assault on Churchill Downs which, that afternoon, featured a race card made up solely of 2-year old (or "Juvenile") horses.  I had my work cut out for me but was up for the challenge.  Plus, I didn't plan to dive too deep into my bankroll.

Following our shared disaster at the Breeders' Cup, we needed to bounce back.  And bounce back we did!

Lou cashed a handful of winning tickets, over the course of the first few Aqueduct races, right out of the gate [horse racing terminology].  Mr B was slower to break from the gate [ibid] [sic], but soon found his winning stride [you get the point].  Mr B's winning day was partially achieved following a brief visit he paid to the casino floor where, in very short order, he disabused a slot machine of some portion of its contents.

Meanwhile, at Churchill Downs.....

I cashed my first wining ticket on the day in the 3rd race when my "Bet of the Day" went off at odds of 19-1 (Morning Line odds of 10-1) and came home a winner!

Remind me the next time my Bet o' the Day goes off at long odds to put more than $2 on it.

My love for Ghostzapper - the dam sire for my 19-1 longshot - is well documented on these digital pages of Heavy Artillery.  The sire, a lesser-known horse named Violence, is another of my favorites.  The star-crossed Violence was a nearly unstoppable force on the Kentucky Derby Trail back in 2013 winning three prep races, on both the East and West Coast, over dirt and synthetic surfaces.  His only career defeat came in the Fountain of Youth Stakes at Gulfstream Park (Florida), where he ran second to Orb (you'll recall that Orb went on to win the Kentucky Derby that year; I had Orb to Win that First Saturday in May).  Had Violence not sustained a career-ending injury in that race (running second, mind you!), he'd have been my pick for the 2013 Derby.  In the world of handicapping, you don't forget a horse like Violence.  Specifically because the horse may reappear in the coming years in the bloodlines of good or great race horses.

A Horse Named Violence has a kind of evocative ring to it, not unlike A Boy Named Sue, that appeals to my Heavy Artillery nature.  Maybe I'll name my horse racing memoir A Horse Named Violence.  Or perhaps commission a Country & Western song (both kinds!) with that title?

In the very next race I hit the back half of a Win & Place wager (not pictured, here) that, combined with my 19-1 score, put me comfortably ahead.

Mid-way through the race day, each member of The B Team Syndicate was ahead.

Then we got a little silly.  Or, at least, I did.  House money will do that to you.  I spied in the feature race at Woodbine (Canada) a horse named Pink Lloyd.  You know I had to play that.  Pink Lloyd was the 4-5 Morning Line favorite so we used him in conjunction with Mr B's birthday "numbers" for a Superfecta.  Pink Lloyd came storming home the easy winner.  Mr B's "numbers" fared less well.

Back at Churchill, a down-on-its-luck horse name Royal Edition caught my eye.

Possessing a highly-valued pedigree -- sired by 5-time graded stakes winner and winner of the Preakness Stakes Bernardini (out of A.P. Indy, winner of the Santa Anita Derby, Belmont Stakes, Breeders' Cup Classic and three other graded stakes) for $100,000, with Empire Maker (winner of the Florida Derby, Wood Memorial and Belmont Stakes) as the dam sire -- bred by Godolphin, a deep-pocketed Saudi stable, owned and trained by Hall of Fame trainer D. Wayne Lukas..... looks like a sure thing!

Except that in Royal Edition's two efforts (to date) it ran 11th from start to finish.  Eagle-eyed handicappers will note that 11th was not "last" in either race, each race having a 12-horse field.  Eagle-eyed handicappers will also observe that despite Royal Edition going off at odds of 117-1 in his previous race, the Morning Line here was only.....I say only..... 30-1.

It won't surprise you to learn that Royal Edition did not win.  Again.  I hope he keeps trying!  Someday, maybe..... just maybe.... he'll win at something like 300-1 odds.  If he does, I'll probably have $2 to Win on him [see; my 19-1 longshot, above].  Again.

I'd managed to bleed off my early winnings throughout the course of the later races at Churchill Downs and found myself, going into the feature race, in negative territory.   That day's feature race was a stakes race and included in the starting gate a number of horses that you'll be reading about next year on the Derby Trail.  After some consultation with Lou, I'd decided to wager the entirety of my remaining - and dwindling - bankroll:

Hence, the odd sum of $36 to Win.  The horse, named Enticed, went off the favorite at 3-1 and won..... in a photo finish.  That put me back into the black for the second time that afternoon and I, along with The B Team Syndicate, went home a winner.  After our dismal performance at the Breeders' Cup, it was nice to reverse our performance and wrap up the 2017 wagering year on a positive note.  

Roll the credits!