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I met The Old Master of the Turf at his top secret bunker in an undisclosed location late in the day on Kentucky Derby Eve (or "Friday," for most of the world) to acquire from him my own Kentucky Derby "advance edition" of the Daily Racing Form as seen (below) resting on the center console of the Jeep Main Battle Tank.
Writing our names on the DRF cover is a long-standing tradition of The B Team Syndicate, the purpose of which is lost to the ages.
Having been greatly disappointed with the past few all-you-can-shovel buffet offerings at our usual raceday encampment, Turfway Park, The Old Master made a Douglas MacArthur-like command decision that The B Team Syndicate shall return to Indiana Downs & Casino in scenic Shelbyville, Hoosierville. Except it isn't called Indiana Downs anymore but rather Indiana Grand. And also The B Team Syndicate was down a man as Lou (B Team codename; B2) was drafted for duty serving as the emcee at a season-ending ice skating event. Those of you with children will understand. I'll say this about the Derby Day experience in Shelbyville; they do it right. A breakfast buffet, a lunch buffet, a dinner buffet, intermediate crunchy-munchies, complimentary programs and Derby glassware. There is no better Derby/Breeders' Cup buffet in the Tri-State. The drive, I-74 west from Cincinnati, is a 70 mph breeze. My one previous gripe was that Indiana Downs had some crummy 8-bit betting machines that couldn't accept denominations larger than a $20 bill. I'm happy to report that Indiana Grand has upgraded to modern, state-of-the-art machines that accept my pals U.S. Grant and Benjamin Franklin.
Among the variety of lunch buffet items, I opted for a Dairy Queen-like, Brazier Burger-esque cheeseburger. OK, I first made myself a double cheeseburger and went back later for a single cheeseburger:
Did I mention both the lunch and dinner buffet came with dessert selections? Those brownie bites were magnificent. I may have had a dozen.
If you are reading this and just happen to work for an evil bureaucratic goon squad proven to target for financial ruin Right-Wing patriotic real live nephews of Uncle Sam, please observe my notation next to the bold-print identification for Race 7 at upper left which records at that stage in the proceedings I was down $12.30. Further, research will show that my wagers as noted were all losers additionally costing me $24.50. Ergo, I was down nearly $40 after Race 7.
On Derby Day, the length of time between sequential races expands by leaps and bounds in order to accommodate the long lines at Churchill Downs betting windows. Having accomplished the handicapping heavy lifting the night before, I took the opportunity to surreptitiously photograph my immediate environs. The Indiana Grand racetrack, as seen from my table inside the clubhouse:
Indiana Grand hosted live racing that evening, boldly competing head-to-head for your Derby Day wagering dollars.
The walk from Clubhouse to casino is brief:
Is it legal to take these photographs? If not and you just happen to work for some federal level shadowy criminal investigation agency then my name is Randolpho Jaybird Cooper, Esquire.
Back at my table, I photographed The Old Master of the Turf in a moment of intense DRF scrutiny:
The Old Master was wearing his lucky [?] sweatshirt. At about 5pm, in advance of the dinner buffet being served, management at Indiana Grand sees fit to lower the clubhouse air temperature to something approximating deep space. I was wearing my lucky four-leaf clover boxer shorts, not photographed. Sorry ladies, Heavy Artillery is a SFW blog. Well, except for the quasi-legal photography of Randolpho Jaybird Cooper, Esquire. For some vocal minority of readers who've had their fill of non sequitur
Instead, get a load of this railbird sporting a Pink Floyd t-shirt in the clubhouse.
Oh no you didn't!
The dinner buffet was served and I got on my surf & turf groove:
Prime rib au jus. Salmon. Smashed 'taters. Fries. M&M cookies. If BBQ pulled pork or shrimp or oysters or pasta or salad or smoked brisket or cake or pie is more your taste, you could have helped yourself to that fare.
For the Derby, I dug deep into my pockets and pushed with both hands a stack of Treasury Notes into a betting machine for the 17+ hands big fellah, Dortmund. My Exacta Box was Dortmund-Frosted:
You can see my Derby wagers (Race 11) at left in the image above. Dortmund seized the early lead, which fully I did not expect, and stubbornly surrendered his lead within sight of thoroughbred immortality, finishing a noble third. Frosted charged down the homestretch like a freight train, which fully I did expect, rallying to finish a valiant fourth. At right, in the above image, you can see a few of my other big ticket misfired shell casings; $20 on Judy the Beauty (a less-than even money odds-on 4-5 favorite that lost by a nose), $40 on the longshot Chocolate Ride. Lou was not present to help fund my Derby Day Pick Six adventure and, rather surprisingly, The Old Master (codenamed B1) wanted no part of it. Therefore, my heavy-payload B Team Syndicate Pick Six was an alligator-armed B3 popgun wildly mixed metaphor Pick Six of the $32 caliber.
For the gerbils huddled under fluorescent light in a cubicle deep within the dungeons of the IRS Building in the District of Columbia, it should be evident by now that my day at the races was a financial loss and you have no reason to read any further.
Now that they've gone.....
Among the races which made up the Derby Day undercard, I cashed Win and Place wagers on Private Zone which upset the heavily favored 2014 Breeders' Cup Classic champion Bayern (sorry, Campbell!). Then there was this:
A $1 Superfecta Box that crowded my pocket with a handful of Benjamins.
Thus we now arrive at that point in the Derby recap where I demonstrate - once again - my superiority at handicapping races as compared to the best handicappers in the world, those being the DRF staff. Make no mistake, they are very good indeed!
The DRF assigned 3 handicappers to make their picks for the entire 13-race Derby Day race card (see image below):
We planned our arrival at Indiana Downs for a time after the first race had gone off, and - as usual - we split after the Derby (Race 11). As such, I did not handicap those races. In fairness, I am eliminating those three races from this discussion. Ergo, there were 10 races (Races 2 through 11) for which I and the DRF staff handicapped.
In the image above, I circled the name of a horse whenever a DRF staffer correctly picked the winner. Byron King correctly selected two winners among the 10 races for a 20% success rate. Marty McGee also had two of 10 winners (20%). Kenny Peck had a rough day, he was shut out (0%; we've all been there).
In the left-hand column, where you see the descending race numbers in a bold font, I circled the race numbers in which specifically I cashed a Win ticket; Races 4, 5 & 9. Three of 10, or 30%, surpassing the experts.
None of the three DRF staffers correctly handicapped a winning Trifecta combination in Races 2-11. We'll never know if/what the DRF staffers may have selected as fourth choices in each individual race, yet I cashed a winning Superfecta ticket in Race 8, surpassing the experts.
Mostly.
As you'll see below, five DRFers had the Kentucky Derby Superfecta, equaling my own Derby Day achievement in this area..... but not surpassing me.
Credit where credit is due.
The DRF assembled two dozen of their staff to make their top four selections singularly for the Kentucky Derby. Five were chosen to supplement their picks with a brief explanation of said picks. Dave Liftin, solely among the five, gave readers the winning Derby Superfecta (below):
Mr Liftin didn't give readers the picks in precisely the correct order (I've noted the order of finish for you in the image above), but Boxing his picks would have given you a winning Superfecta. On the other hand, Brad Free - who usually does an exemplary job - embarrassed the profession by giving DRF readers names of more than half the horses in the field (below):
Way to take a stand, Brad! #sarcasm
In addition to Dave Liftin, four other DRFers gave readers the winning Superfecta combination (below), with Randy Goulding nailing the correct order of finish!
Heavy Artillery tips its blasting cap to these fine handicappers for correctly picking the Derby 141 winner (chalk-eating weasels!).
For the [tax] record, you should assume the image above is photoshopped and bears no factual representation of how my Derby Day 141 unfolded. All told, I cashed winning tickets on five of the 10 races. Just know this; If in baseball you make an out 7 out of 10 times you're a Hall of Famer. Acknowledging that context, there isn't a handicapper alive today better than Mr Heavy Artillery. Who may or may not be Randolpho Jaybird Cooper, Esquire.
Ahem.
Roll the credits!
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